Urgent Letter To Channel 9
Dear Channel 9,
I am writing to express my deepest condolences for you missing out on the exclusive rights to the Schappelle Corby story. It saddens me to know that you will not benefit from the ratings of this convicted drug smuggler, at a time where media profits are waning, especially in the television and print sectors.
I am also contacting you to announce my availability to partake in any activity (criminal or other) that may interest your network and your viewers. I am available 7 days a week and happy to travel, although being 6 foot 8 I would need an exit seat for overseas flights.
I am happy to perform whatever criminal act you deem most newsworthy, and when caught, can put forward a plea of guilty or not guilty, whichever you think will generate the most buzz for your audience.
I will require a contract to be written up prior to the “task” which will include both the financial terms of my agreement as well as your exclusive rights to the story upon my release.
My terms are $3 million based on current market rates, and provided a maximum ten year sentence can be guaranteed. ($150,000 a year for the next decade seems like a decent wage to me)
For an additional 10%, I will also set myself up with a new Channel 9 branded Twitter account, and provide daily tweets from my cell (international data roaming charges may apply).
Please let me know if you would like to use my services, and I can come in to your offices and discuss the finer points.
Kind regards,
Elliot Dean
P.S. Discounts will apply if the task involves anything to do with humiliating or harming the PM.
